A Welcome Note

Welcome to my very own blog which is about me, my experiences in life, what lessons I've learnt from them and how I view the world.

My name is Kailani ( Lani) Mo, introspective, imaginative, opinionated, bursting at the seams, girl next door. My introspection is a daughter of years of  living in an environment of mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect, growing up, which created a victim mentality in me. 

I was born Carolyn M on an October night ( not too sure, but I always thought of myself as a night baby) many moons ago, the first born of three to a young couple, my parents who I am lucky are still alive and married to each other to-date- I empathize with families that have gone through divorce, growing up without your family no matter how discordant is unenviable.

I have not had an easy past. I have battled and still struggle with low self esteem, attention seeking behaviour, approval addiction, lack of identity, addiction, depression, attempted suicide and constant suicidal thoughts.But I am trying to build a better present and future for myself.  I changed names as an attempt to distance myself with the memories of a past I hate to remember. In other ways also, and with new vigor I fight the demons of past and dream the dreams of childhood. My dream is to leave a legacy of determination and change in regards to the issues mentioned above, that's why I included this song.

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You can read more of my story and articles, poems and general  opinions on the  causes I'm passionate about on this blog.

My Childhood

As an infant, my dad adored me. I was his world and he mine. I was named after his mother, my grandmother, according to African tradition and was therefore royalty in his eyes. At four years of age, the family was gifted with another bundle of joy, my sister Jacqie. She was named after my grandmother on my mother's side and instantly was my mother's baby. We grew up belonging to this factions and fiercely protective of our "guardian".

Sadly, in this early years of my life and their married life, and many times on my account, my dad would hit my mother and as I grew up and drew closer to him, I was increasingly alienated from my mother. I longed for her affection, but I felt protected under my dad's wing, so we grew further and further apart.

I went to boarding school at the age 8, where I was welcomed into a world devoid of this protection which was the beginning of my many years living in emotional turmoil. Because I had not learned to do many things for myself- being the apple of my father's eye had a lot of "benefits". I was his little angel and he never could conceive me doing any chores so I did not, except at the behest of my mother who I began to think of as a slavemaster; nor did he ever scold me, discipline was my mother's domain- I was extremely unkempt, disorganized and always running into trouble. Other students shunned me, still others bullied me and I became more and more withdrawn, sad and unfulfilled in life. My story through primary and secondary school reads the same, like a photocopied script of stigma, rebellion in an attempt to find a place and disillusionment in myself and in and from those around me.

Due to lack of understanding, the underlying issues behind my behaviour for years remained untackled and like society so often does, I was punished and ostracized for being a black sheep. This is when the physical fights began, I lost my dad as an ally as overnight he became the monster in my nightmares. Together with my mother and relatives they tried to force me, with blows, into gelling in society's mold, pulling no punches in their efforts. I fought back resiliently, being so used to being bullied and on the defense and to being without an ally or anything to lose.

Depression And All Its Baggage 

In high school , I took to alcohol to numb the loneliness, confusion and pain; as you would expect it only augmented my problems. I constantly suffered real and fictitious ailments as my body and mind tried to adjust to the stress. I attempted suicide unsuccessfully, but when no one even noticed I realized dead or alive I made no difference in the world. That's when I fell into depression.

My life under the cloud of depression has been desolate, lonesome, sad and empty. I wake up feeling like I should go back to sleep and feel alone in the midst of friends. I feel I have nothing to lose even as I stare at the most important things in my life. I try frantically to connect with anything to give purpose to my life, but most times I fall short and on my face. I keep a look out for places I'd go and things that would quickly end my miserable life for when I will hit rock bottom.

Light At The End

But I have been extremely lucky for constant opportunities to challenge the different facets of the feeling of worthlessness I was forced to embrace. A number of people I am humbled and honoured to know have been so giving in time and resources that have helped to rehabilitate me.  Having a resilient fighting spirit has also helped greatly in creating a change from within that now shyly shows without. And I try ever so hard to be a good example to my siblings (we had an addition to our family, my brother Kanaan, who's one reason I wake up and fight for another day). But naught would have helped or changed, but for the Almighty's love and grace in my life. I am a believer of His omnipresence, His unconditional love and plan for good in my life.