Stark Raving Mad and On The Window Ledge

If life or death were pain-free, which would you choose? I am somewhere between whichever comes my way. I want to live, to enjoy life and see prospects for the future come true. Jobs, education, babies, family. But even the dreams feel borrowed just as is this life and although I am fighting so hard to crawl out of the dark abyss I am in, in Sade's words, there is not yet a soup cooked that has been able to warm my soul.

Once again I am in a new social setting, a new chance to start over you would say. Yet I feel so terribly alone in the midst of over 200 students in my class alone and more than 1000 in my school. I wonder if unbeknownst to me, I wear a scarlet letter that warns every one to keep away from me. Such that in close to six months I haven't made a friend and while everyone is getting to know everyone else and making friends and even getting in new relationships, I check in every morning to my solitary cell placed strategically within the general unit to accentuate the loneliness.

My short stint with the fellowship program is over. It should come as no surprise that I made no real friends during that either. Sure I was in a (characteristically ) obsessive relationship with one of the other fellows. And for the length of time I could get high on the sex, it was perfect. But just like any drug, I built a tolerance for her and the sex, unless she could learn from Sia to swing from chandeliers. But even that would again, be shortlived. I can't even say it to her, that I am over the wave. Although in my defense her mental state is just as precarious. And I would like to leave as minimal collateral damage as possible. Make no mistake, I feel so reprehensible, abhorrent, terrible for this. I can't connect to anyone , am an emotional leech and on top of that a weak person. I hear you think 'no wonder ' and I agree.

So I am back in my hollow world , dreaming of life and death intermittently. Truthfully I am more for the latter. Today I made a noose from a jacket sash, I am not sure what emotions should have been but all I could think of was "at least it's purple ". I talked to my long-term boyfriend a few minutes later and broke down though , so I guess you can say I am terrified. But lately it's all I can think about, ending my life, with a) full knowledge that it will be painful as hell b) that I am hell-bound for committing such a grave sin c) that there are probably people who will be affected by my demise, who will grieve and live their lives onwards with the memory as a scar- this is my greatest worry and regret d) that i may be forfeiting all chances of an afterlife. 

I can't stave the typhoon and I feel myself being dragged underwater with every passing day. I don't know why I wrote this post. Not for pity for pete's-sake. Perhaps for remembrance if I do garner enough courage to even put up that chair beneath the mistletoe where death awaits. Maybe it is my way of reaching out. Or a confession to purge my soul. I only hope someone who needs it reads it and knows,

 YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Friend Or Fan??

STAR THAT SHONE FROM AFAR TURNED HANDY COMPASS IN LIFE

 Recently I made a new friend. Which is all summery adjectives until you consider the quandary this has put me in when it comes to relating to other very important people in my life. All of whom happen to be the same person. It is a rather intricate story, how this friendship was formed and how this person has transformed from a star that shone from a far to a handy compass in life.

 

When your friend is , say Lupita Nyong'o, Kenyan's golden (Globe) girl, are you a friend or a fan? I wish I was friends with Lupita, but this person I speak of is an icon in her own right. 
 
You see, I met this person, who in this story will remain unnamed like Voldemort (oops!) a while back through email. I had been referred to her by a UK-based Facebook organization that deals with Borderline Personality Disorder I had reached out to because of my state of mental un-wellness, as a linkup in Kenya.
I wrote her a lengthy email that bore my struggles from childhood to young adulthood, how I had tried to find myself vainly for many years, resulting to curling-up in bed fighting my demons with tears of frustration every time I felt I had tried to curve my niche in the world and failed. 

I hoped she would understand.
 Better yet that she would care. 
But I did not see much light at the end of the tunnel.

She was kind enough to reply, magnanimously offering to help through facilitating talks with a psychologist if I felt I needed one. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read what she wrote about her experiences which enabled her to empathize with my plight. I seem to recall that at the end of her email, an angel popped out and sang.
That is not fiction at all!
 No, really.
So I saw the psychologist for a while which helped me offload a lot of pent-up emotion I had reserved over the years, but eventually due to other commitments I was unable to schedule any more meetings. To be candid this was a slap in the face for me. I felt abandoned, an all too familiar feeling. But the kind angel at the end of my teary emails was not done with me.

About one and a half months ago I got an email inviting me to apply to a fellowship program where I could learn about mental health conditions and acquire skills that would help me better deal with my issues and change my attitude and through me, that of the community at large towards mental health conditions. I gladly complied and was accepted to the BASICNEEDS KENYA FELLOWSHIP program where with three other sweet dumplings I will be telling you about we have been receiving invaluable care, advice, skills and knowledge that have done marvels in creating mental wellness in all of us. 
 

From Left to Right- Ann, I, Marie, Sitawa and Emily, the BasicNeeds Kenya Fellowship Team

My benefactor was our group facilitator for the last one and half months and in a recent review of the programme she was given rave reviews on the handling of her students even as she won on a global scale more recognition of her outstanding work as Mental Health and Epilepsy ambassador in Kenya in the form of the Google Africa Connected Success Story. We created a rapport that led to expansion of my view of her not only as a mentor but as a friend. 

I love my new friend and my new family that is the BasicNeeds Fellowship team as well. Everyone here is a star. And I wonder again, should I be a friend or a fan?

Behind My "Maasai" Name

Members of my theatre group

A lot of people I meet say my name, Kailani, sounds Maasai.

The Maasai is a Kenyan tribe that is recognized worldwide as a representation of the Kenyan people with a lot of their traditional jewellery, like the Maasai headband and necklaces that I am  wearing above,

and Maasai sandals like the ones below being a hit in the global market.

 

If you have been to Kenya as a tourist,  no doubt you have seen the Maasai dancers. The Maasai are a lanky, elegant tribe, almost all gifted in art, dance, music, and with such beautiful genes. 

 I am extremely proud to have my name associated with the Maasai. As I post this therefore I feel like I am letting out of the bag a HUGE secret better kept close at heart. I do not wish to renounce my "Maasai roots" LOL.

Truthfully, KAILANI is a Hawaiian name that is a combination of two things that I adore.

KAI means WATER. 

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love being in or around  water. I am spellbound by waterfalls  , stand in the rain for hours when I can and splash about with my bathwater like a happy tot.

LANI means HEAVEN or SKY. 

Being too imaginative, I once saw the moon smile and give me a secret wink. I fell in love that night, and remain betrothed to the wonders that the heavens hold.

The name Kailani  has been translated to mean  “where heaven meets the water” or "heavenly waters". 

I like to think of myself as the horizon, where the sun kisses the ocean, and the icy depths of the water bask in a warm embrace.

And with a name that is both Maasai and Hawaiian, I feel I represent my country and the world, in a marriage of East and West. I hope you agree.

So You Have A Blog ??

Almost everyday I get emails and texts from former fellow students in college , and once from a girl I knew in high school, that have one thing in common; a link to a blog they've created where, like me, they hope to change the world (I hope) and build a name one character at a time. All this people are ambitious, creative and aggressive in different ways and areas, and as I follow the links hoping that generating a page-view amounts to my good deed a day, I wonder, in this crowded web "real-estate", how does one stand out?

A Welcome Note

Welcome to my very own blog which is about me, my experiences in life, what lessons I've learnt from them and how I view the world.

My name is Kailani ( Lani) Mo, introspective, imaginative, opinionated, bursting at the seams, girl next door. My introspection is a daughter of years of  living in an environment of mental, emotional and physical abuse and neglect, growing up, which created a victim mentality in me. 

I was born Carolyn M on an October night ( not too sure, but I always thought of myself as a night baby) many moons ago, the first born of three to a young couple, my parents who I am lucky are still alive and married to each other to-date- I empathize with families that have gone through divorce, growing up without your family no matter how discordant is unenviable.

I have not had an easy past. I have battled and still struggle with low self esteem, attention seeking behaviour, approval addiction, lack of identity, addiction, depression, attempted suicide and constant suicidal thoughts.But I am trying to build a better present and future for myself.  I changed names as an attempt to distance myself with the memories of a past I hate to remember. In other ways also, and with new vigor I fight the demons of past and dream the dreams of childhood. My dream is to leave a legacy of determination and change in regards to the issues mentioned above, that's why I included this song.

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You can read more of my story and articles, poems and general  opinions on the  causes I'm passionate about on this blog.